Quote 15 of 52

This week's quote is from a woman I read in college: George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans of Middlemarch fame). I love this quote, and I think it's true.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

And so, in that vein, I plan to spend the week contemplating where I am, where I thought I'd be and what I want to be.

MamaP

Confession

I have not been meditating. I know. I'm cringing.

I skipped one night, and then I skipped another night and then I thought to hell with it, I'd have to start over anyway. And there it is. I've not been meditating.

The thing about it is that it's really hard. I'm not sure why. It's only 10 minutes a day, and I do it when the kids are asleep and the house is quiet. But it's hard. I sit there and try to quiet my mind, and that's exhausting. It's not relaxing. I thought it would be relaxing, and I'd be all Zen about it, my knees crossed, my fingers held out just-so. But it's hard on my back, and focusing on my breathing isn't at all fun, and then my mind goes wandering down roads that have been left for so long they're now unpaved - for good reason. I hate those roads.

But I will start again. Tonight. I will start again because it's hard and when things are hard (especially mental things) that's usually when we need to commit to them the most. I'm not so good about doing the hard stuff, which is why there are still those unpaved roads.

MamaP

Quote 14 of 52

I am late this week. But I am here nonetheless.....

This week's quote is from The Old Man and the Sea, which I should finish tonight. But I will blog about that later. For now, here is the quote:

But his left hand had always been a traitor and would not do what he called on it to do and he did not trust it.




I love this line, and I've re-read it several times and think about it throughout my day. The idea that a hand can be a traitor. Hemingway was brilliant. Just brilliant. It's only 26 words, and yet it tells the reader so much about the old man.

MamaP

Thoughts on Siddhartha

There are books in one's life that are, well, life-changing. They resonate and stay with us, and we think about them years and decades later, and we sometimes return to them. I wondered, recently, if the book that has had the greatest and most profound impact on me (which I read at the age of 20) would today have as strong an impact on me if I read it again. I did read it again, and I have to say that the impact was not so surprising (I was anticipating it after all), but it was no less profound, 15 years later. I read the book three months ago, and I still think of it every day. It is Maugham's The Razor's Edge.

So it is with Siddhartha. Again, my experience with Siddhartha is not so surprising as my reaction to other books, simply because I was prepared for it. It's stronger when you find a book and have no idea it will impact you in any deep way. But when you purposely choose a book that has impacted so many others, your own reaction to it is tinged in a way, shaped to some extent by your expectation of it.

It doesn't, however, make the impact any less strong.

I think I was supposed to read Siddhartha at this exact moment in my life, because the ultimate message I take from this book is particularly comforting to me at this time. That message, if I have to filter it down to one, is that life is a journey, that it's never done, that we are never there, and if there is one goal, it is perhaps to end our lives at peace with ourselves. Making peace with any and everyone else are only steps toward that end-goal.

Reading this book makes me less afraid - of people, of experiences, of pain. Even in the end, when Siddhartha had gained and lost, was so disgusted with himself he wanted to throw his life away, even in the end, when he had quieted his spirit and was at peace with so little, his road lay out ahead of him, bumps and all. And perhaps his greatest bump, his hardest moment, came in the end of his life instead of the beginning or the middle. It came when he least expected it and he found himself suffering again.

I read once that Buddha said something to the effect of: All life is suffering, and all suffering is life.

I find this quote comforting and have always repeated it to myself in times of hardship, because I think we all need to believe that hardship has purpose. I was raised a Christian, so I was taught that suffering is punishment and that if one wants suffering to end, one has to only be good enough.

I think this is kind of a crock of shit.

Maybe suffering is just living, it's just part of what it means to be human, and we can't be good enough to escape it, because without it we wouldn't be living any more than if we never experienced joy.

In the end, I think Siddhartha's suffering taught him the ultimate lesson - to have empathy for others. I think that when we have compassion and empathy for others, we have somehow found a way to have empathy and compassion for ourselves.

I would recommend this book to others, but somehow, I feel that after reading it, recommending a book to others would kind of be missing the point.

I have thought, however, of the books that have most greatly impacted me and my life. I have come up with a list of 5, a monumental task of narrowing and cutting-down. Here are my top five books:

1. The Razor's Edge
2. Atlas Shrugged
3. The Bell Jar
4. Man's Search for Meaning
5. Their Eyes Were Watching God

I'm curious to hear yours.......please.

MamaP

Quote 13 of 52

This week's quote is yet another from Siddhartha. I have been thinking about the book all week, and I have thought of this quote more than once, promising myself I will try to absorb it into my daily life:

I want to learn from myself, want to be my student, want to get to know myself, the secret of Siddhartha.

On Meditation

I have been meditating each night. I meditate until I feel compelled to open my eyes, which has been 7 to 8 minutes. It's hard. It's harder than I could have imagined. I usually do it lying down, before I sleep, which is arguably not the "right" way to meditate. And it's still hard.

What's so hard? Well, it's hard to try to clear one's mind, to focus on breathing instead of the grocery list, whether or not the children have been properly raised and if my husband is safe and sound. My mind wants to run through that night's episode of Without a Trace, and then while it's reviewing the slides of that particular program, my mind wants to tell me that I shouldn't be watching that stuff anyway.

Then, I have to bring my mind back on track, which means focusing on the breath going in and out of my nose, hesitating at the top and the bottom of each breath before beginning again.

It goes like this for 7 minutes, and then I open my eyes. My mind has only been quiet a few seconds of that time, maybe. I have to continually bring my mind back to my breathing, where it sits for a second or two before moving on.....again.

I am reading a book entitled Mindfulness in Plain English (Gunaratana, 1996). It is a simple examination of meditation and explanation of how to apply and practice it in one's life.

I am hopeful meditation will be useful for me. There is a lot of mind that needs quieting up there.

Does anyone have any experience with meditation?

MamaP

1 Month, 4 Weeks, 30 Days: 4 Figs

Instead of thinking in terms of a fig-a-week this month, I am thinking big, broad strokes. This month, I will take 4 figs and work them simultaneously. In fact, I've already started several.

1. Meditate Everyday For 1 Month

2. Submit a Romance Novel

3. Practice Yoga Regularly (at least once a week) for 3 months

4. Read an Entire Book of Poetry


So, by the end of November, I should have each of these figs under my belt. This week, I will write about why each fig made it onto the list and why I haven't yet done any of them.

The list is filling in.......

MamaP

PS - thoughts today on Siddhartha. I've been thinking..........